How to clear the decks in your marriage

Explore unfinished business.

One of the reasons many couples have harmful residue building up over the months of their marriage is that they never come to terms with unfinished business. This business may have to do with unpaid bills, a question of how long the in-laws are staying for Christmas, or whether the kids should be disciplined a certain way. Whatever the issue, mark this down: Every couple has unfinished business. And that business nags at them. It drags them down and drains them of energy.

Every time we have an issue that goes unattended, we increase the pressure and tension in our relationship. So begin your session of ridding yourselves of harmful residue by noting your unfinished business. Talk about whatever it may be, and do your best to make some decisions at this point and gain some closure. To get you started, ask each other: What unfinished business in our relationship is weighing on you most right now?

Talk about your money.

A Reader’s Digest survey found the most common lie between spouses is over how much they spent on a purchase. Roughly half, or forty-eight percent, of secretive spouses said they hid the cost of purchases (even in affluent households) within the last month. That was much higher than the two next-most-common secrets, which were over a child’s behavior or grades or a failure on the job.

The biggest problem with deceiving your spouse about money is not found in trying to balance the checkbook. No. Money matters are a metaphor for other troubles in a marriage — troubles involving power, security, competence, and self-esteem. That’s what makes money so difficult to talk about. And that’s why talking about money is vital.

Talk about your emotional needs.

[Talk] to your spouse about your emotional needs. If you are feeling neglected, say so. If you are wanting to be admired, let him or her know. If you don’t talk about your emotional needs, it can be nearly impossible for your spouse to meet them. And second, cultivate your relationship with God. Within each of us is a God-shaped void, an emptiness that can only be filled by God. And until we find our connection with God, we will always suffer twinges of disappointment in our marriage. He hears us when we pray.

Talk about your anger.

Anger requires limits and must be talked about routinely. The healthy handling of it begins with admitting you are (or were) angry. Most of us want to deny the presence of anger to control it. But that never works. Repressed anger has a high rate of resurrection. So ‘fess up. Own your anger without hiding it or projecting it onto your partner.

Once you have admitted your anger, the next step is to release your vindictiveness — do your best to “turn the other cheek” (see Matthew 5:38-48). This practical principle releases revenge and is an insurance policy against resentment. How do you do this? By talking to your partner about how you feel hurt and then surrendering your desire to hurt him or her back. Let your partner know you are letting it go. And if you are inclined, say a prayer that God would protect you both from the reemergence of angry feelings.

Give each other freedom to fail

You and I don’t have to be perfect people to have a great marriage. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Because of this very fact, we must give each other the freedom to fail. If you don’t, you’ll never rid yourselves of harmful residue. And when you are having difficulty letting go of a hurtful mistake by your partner, it is time to consider our next piece of advice on forgiveness.

Forgive when you feel hurt

We do need to forgive each other if for no other reason than because we are married. And no marriage, no matter how good, can survive without forgiveness. We are bound to get hurt. It’s inevitable.

In a healthy marriage, two people help one another become better at forgiving by asking for forgiveness, as well as by giving it when needed. “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” These simple words offer a possible way out of the inevitable blame game that traps so many couples — and they are sure to release you from the harmful residue that would otherwise bog you down.

Update how well you know your spouse

Mrs. Albert Einstein was once asked if she understood her husband’s theory of relativity. “No,” she said, “but I know how he likes his tea.”

Good answer. Knowing simple intimacies about your partner is at the heart of a healthy marriage. And keeping up-to-date on those ever-changing intimacies is a healthy habit loving couples cannot ignore. So in your pursuit to rid yourselves of harmful residue, take a moment to check in with your spouse. What would he or she like you to know? A quick update will keep next month’s harmful residue to a minimum. To get you started on this topic, ask each other: What do I need to know about you that I may not know already?

4 Ways to Understand Failure

One of the true tests of personal development is being able to handle failure. Success is easy you just ride the wave and enjoy the feeling. Failure on the other hand throws up a very different range of emotions. What we do with them is very important and can determine future successes and failures.

Here are some insights into the reality of failure:

1. To fail is not to be a failure – At least you have tried. Winning is not always being first sometimes it is knowing that you have done your best, tried your hardest and given your all. That is all that we can ever ask of ourselves.

   Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.– Denis Waitley

2. Once you have learned from your failures leave them in the past – The worst mistake is to fail to learn from our failure. Once we have learned the lesson leave the emotion behind and move forward, wiser and stronger to face the future. Failure is not a disgrace, failing to learn demonstrates ignorance and that is a shameful thing. We are designed to grow but to think that we have arrived is a false hope in ourselves that removes us from reality. Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death – Ananias Nin
   
3. You are never a failure as long as you keep trying - In the words of Winston Churchill, “Never give up”, now say it three times. If you aim for nothing that is exactly what you will achieve in life. Don’t expect every idea that you have to be a winner and realise that the mark of creativity is to try and try and try again.
4. Failure is never final - This is your choice. What are you going to do with your life? Are you just going to play it safe and live as a timid mouse or are you going to discover the true person and learn to accept the adventure that life is.

I have not failed I have just found 10 000 ways that would not work – Thomas Edison

I find my greatest pleasure, and so my reward in the work that precedes what the world calls success - Thomas Edison

Google – What it says about personal growth

What a bottom line to have? On BBC news:

Last month Google revealed global third quarter profits of $733m (£390m). This was a 92% increase on the $381m it made during the same time last year.

Is this sort of growth possible to sustain? From my humble perspective I would doubt it. But in the meantime it is great for google.

The question is who will be next? Following on from YouTube and other such major acquisitions the value of social networks is growing all the time. They are filling a need in our lives to understand ourselves in the context of community. We all know that just thinking highly of ourselves is of limited value but if someone else values something about us then that can elevate our self worth immensely.

That is why there is so much value in these networks that are forming every day. That is why these large companies are placing so much value on them.

I wonder if they will realise that working with real people will be very different to dealing with a commodity. Remember iVillage of the web 1.0 days. Where are they now? They are still there but they are no longer at the cutting edge of web communications and there is a plethora of startups looking to take the place of some of these ageing sites.

And, a bit of touch up on the outside isn’t really going to cut it. Its the same for our personal development.

• To really change requires a revolution from within.
• To find a totally new way of doing things.
• To move outside a commodity based economy in our souls.
• To develop a new way of communicating to ourselves and to others.
• To move from individualism to active community engagement.

Google’s growth says to us that rapid change is possible for us after all many organisations reflect the sort of dynamics of people. How to make it sustainable is the difficulty that I will deal with in the very near future.

In the meatime just like Google if there is growth and change happening and it is positive enjoy the ride, set your sails to maximise it while it last and get ready for the next wave.

The marks of a life of excellence

1. The mark of productivity – “A rut is a grave with the ends opened out”. There are some fundamental beliefs that will ensure that a person will live a productive life. These are: a belief in the importance of people as individuals, a belief that those people can add to your creativity, a belief that what others say to you is important to hear and respond to.
2. The mark of progress – This is the person who seeks to grow. This does not require perfection but simply a desire to learn. If we are not prepared to learn then nothing will ever change in our lives. An excellent life will be distinguished by the growth that is evident in that person.
3. The mark of power – When you have learned to be comfortable with yourself. Not trying to compete or keep up with those around you the power to live an excellent life is within your grasp. Power is never really given by an assigned position it comes from a belief in something beyond yourself and a confidence in that belief that allows you to orientate your life towards that goal.

Correctly directed ambition is a noble task. The problem is that so many people find their lives filled with tasks that fall short of the standards of excellence. So they let go of their potential and settle for a more mundane existence.

One of the truly great discoveries of a life of excellence is that it is not controlled by our circumstances. It is all to do with the direction of our eyes and the space between our ears. Excellence is a mindset, a belief that you are specially placed in this world to make a difference.

Isaac Stern the great violinist was once asked what truly distinguishes a great musician? He replied, ” A great musician is the one who always seeking to improve, never content with his performances, always moving on to discover more about the instrument and the music that he loves”
That is excellence.

Those wake up moments

Steve Pavlina as usual has some great insights into the awakening of our consciousness. He suggests that humanity is at the edge of a significant mass awakening.

“One day you’re tooling along, working your normal job, living your normal life, and everything seems OK. But something happens that triggers a sudden expansion of your awareness, and for that brief moment of perfect clarity, you know what it’s like to be fully awake. You’re struck by the terrifying realization that your life has gotten way off course, and that you’re really meant to be doing something entirely different.”

Discovery of ourselves is one of the greatest journeys that we can take. That awake feeling is cannot be artificially induced by chemicals or by the drug of choice of the middle class, shopping. It must come from within, from our spirits.

What an exciting concept to see the possibility of people determing a new course for their lives based on the total awakening to their souls. What a difference such clarity could make for our collective consciousness. The first step of this journey begins with honesty. It will bring to us a mirror that will allows us to see ourselves in such a way that the possibility opens for us to begin that walk.

Positive thinkings power – there’s more to it than just weight loss

Here is a great list of tips regarding the benefits of the positive thinking. Evidently it really does work. Even if it doesn’t its much better to be positive and reasonably happy than negative and very unhappy.

• Optimism is a predictor of well-being, mood, physical health, and achievements
• Positive thinking has been linked to a number of health benefits including enhanced immune functioning, faster recovery from surgery, increased longevity, reduced stress
• Optimism can help people recover from setbacks during a weight loss program
• Optimists are more persistent
• Practicing positive thinking regularly helps to change the neural circuits in the brain, making it easier to think positively and engage in positive behaviors
• Affirmations are short positive “I” statements that are in present tense – i.e. “I choose healthy foods that nourish my body.”
• Keep a weekly journal of your achievements to help you stay focused on the positive and keep motivated
• Connect with others – optimists are more likely to seek social support which can help during a weight management program
• for more link here

Worth a read and the podcast should be worth a listen.

Relating Web 2.0 to our personal development

Open up your data as much possible. There is no future in hoarding data, only controlling it.

Learn not to control information but become a conduit for communication. There is no future in relationships where a person uses their personal knowledge as power. So as much as possible be an open book. People will value your transperancy because they will be able to get to know an authentic person. Controlling data is about learning to organise information in such a way that people are able to access it in a meaningful way. Learn to be such a meaningful person in the way that you are able to communicate so that your interaction facilitates further conversation.

Aggressively add feedback loops to everything. Pull out the loops that don’t seem to matter and emphasize the ones that give results.

Learn to listen and learn to hear what people are saying. Create spaces where people are able to come to you and know that they will be heard.

Continuous release cycles. The bigger the release, the more unwieldy it becomes (more dependencies, more planning, more disruption.) Organic growth is the most powerful, adaptive, and resilient.

Learn that people are your strength. Grow with them continually. Create an environment where you are able to grow continually rather than trying to take giant leaps. Organic growth is all about expanding your God given capacity, finding people that complement your abilities and allowing them to take their rightful place in your life.

Make your users part of your software. They are your most valuable source of content, feedback, and passion. Start understanding social architecture. Give up non-essential control. Or your users will likely go elsewhere.

Recognise the strengths in others and seek to bring out the potential in others at all times. It will come back to you eventually and eventually add to who you are. Recognise that the most valuable part of your life is the people around you.

Turn your applications into platforms. An application usually has a single predetermined use, a platform is design to be the foundation of something bigger. Instead of getting a single type of use from your software and data, you might be hundreds or thousands of them.

Learn to integrate rather than control. Controlling personalities are never able to grow beyond their own limitations. Those who are able to see that by bringing others into the adventure will in fact enhance that adventure are able to spread the control to others.

Don’t create social communities just to have them. They aren’t a checklist item. But do empower inspired users to create them.

Be genuine in your relationships with others. There is a difference between those who network as a part of meeting their own agenda. We all know the type because of their lack of genuiness. We tire very quickly in these relationships because they are based on what can be gotten out of it.

Finding purpose in life – connecting beyond ourselves

Finding an adequate life purpose for many is a lifelong quest. It can create a dull ache that pounds away and results in an endless succession of activities for the seeker. In the end it can leave many of us feeling dissatisfied and disillusioned.

The issue for us is finding a purpose that is big enough to sustain us through life. So a job in a world that no longer holds the promise of lifelong employment is not good enough. A marriage in a world that has a 50% divorce rate is also inadequate. Personal growth in a world that has a 100% death rate also has obvious limitations.

Once you discover and embrace your life purpose, are you set for the rest of your life? Do you keep fulfilling that same purpose until you die? Or can your purpose change over time?

Truthfully I think the answer is a little of both. There is a permanent, unchanging aspect of my purpose, and that aspect is growth. I have an undeniably strong sense that I’m here to grow, and that sense has never wavered. I imagine that conscious growth will always be part of my purpose. (Steve Pavlina)

I think that Steve is right that our life purpose does have different aspects. Although I would think that once we find a purpose big enough it will then remain with us.

What can often happen is that we can confuse roles with life purpose. Once again it may be true for us to include what we do as a part of our life purpose. But this will also leave us shortchanged if we fail to connect to a bigger picture that is beyond ourselves.

Purpose therefore must be connected to our spirituality. To connecting to the wider world and to a broader community and a higher authority. Putting these things in place in our lives will allow us give meaning to those subordinate purposes.

5 Laws for knowledge and success

1. Always try to understand before judging. When we judge first we are providing fertile ground for fear, uncertainty and distrust.
2. Alwyas listen to the whole story. Learn to ask questions before drawing conclusions this allows more time for understanding. Learn to ask good questions these are open questions that allow more information to be heard. Closed questions give you what you want to hear.
3. Always maintain a high level of integrity. Truth really is a personal issue. People will usually see very quickly whether what you are talking about is something you just say or something that you live by. A personal lived truth is far more trustworthy than a talked about fact.
4. Be positive. It will influence the sort of people who want to be around you. Negativity can draw a crowd but its always the wrong sort of people if you really want to discover success. Negative people tend to tear down and that may seem like fun for a while but it never lasts. Positive people will seek to build and that allows for increased opportunities.
5. Learn to work well with other people. This will allow you to grow beyond your own limitations in whatever you do. Working with other people is an acquired skill that requires perserverance because you will be often let down. Resist the temptation to think that I can do it better on my own. It may be true in the short term but success is a long term ambition.

Wisdom is the bringing together of knowledge and action. The wise person is the one who has understood and then applied that understanding to their way of life. Success is seeing the fulfilment of makng wise choices.

Success for the rest of us is all about attaining wisdom. Yesterday in the mail I received a brochure promising financial freedom that would allow me to do the things that I really want to do. Such a narrow definition of success forgets the rest of us who may not neccessarily want to just accumulate financial wealth. Wisdom should overflow into our financial choices but our wealth will be a symptom of a much broader context.

5 Commandments of Respect

One of the more difficult tasks in leadership is to be able to correct or guide while still maintaining the dignity of the other person. Many leaders make the mistake of believing that their leadership is all about winning an argument or having their point of view predominate. However, this is a very short sighted view of leadership and will ultimate limit a person’s level of influence in other’s lives.

I am just reading about the breakdown of relationships when Hewlett-Packard merged with Compaq. The CEO of HP struggled to win the hearts and minds of the HP employees and faced a battle on several fronts to ensure the success of the merger.

She failed to gain the respect. But, she could have if she had followed some of the following principles.

1. If I have a problem with another person, I will go to him privately. Engaging in a public humiliation of another human being destroys a person’s soul. We were recently at a children’s birthday party at a popular fast food restaurant and witnessed one of the poorest displays of management that I have ever seen, The person running the party was not being supported by the other staff causing the party to run late. This employee was berated in front of the children and parents.

The result was that I felt very upset. So upset that I wrote to that restaurant. I felt that what was done to that person was soul destroying and needed to be corrected. I hope that manager was dealt with privately so that he would see more clearly the implications of his actions.

2. If someone has a problem with me, and comes to you, send the person to me. (I’ll do the same for you.)

3. Be careful about how you interpret me—I’d rather do that. Don’t try to read things that aren’t there in me. I have the right to be able to process my own thoughts without someone putting the implications of their thoughts on me. The reverse is true, I need to be careful how I interpret other people’s response to me. Discovering that everything isn’t always about me is one of the hardest things to live with but it allows me to be able to hear what you are really saying.

4. If it’s confidential, I won’t tell. (Unless someone is harming himself or someone else.) I need to be seen as a safe person if people are to give me their trust. This means that they must know that I don’t have the need to tell what I know about them. Although someone may choose to disclose information to me it remains their right to disclose and not my right to disclose that to other people.

5. I will not manipulate; I will not be manipulated. I will choose to be honest and live with integrity. This will discourage any person who tries to manipulate me into living in a way that caused me to live with a contradiction within myself. (source unsure of highlighted items)

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