Discipline – the toughest job

Before I became a parent I was convinced that discipline would be one of the easiest tasks of being a Father. After all it was a matter of me laying down the law, creating a loving environment and then determining whether they kids had met my requirements. The reality has been very different and I have that discipline has a much higher calling than merely creating guidelines for my children’s behaviour. Discipline’s purpose is all about finding the potential that lies in our kids and finding the keys that unlock that potential.

Steve Biddulph tells of an experiment was conducted with rats in which they were place in a number of rooms. The first room contained food and a small movie screen that was rigged to operate whenever a lever was pulled. The second room just had food and drink. And the third cage had food and drink but gave the rats an unpleasant electric shock.

Firstly the rats were placed in the room with food, drinks and movies and soon worked out the lever made the movies come on. The rats soon made themselves very busy working hard at the lever pressing it to keep the movie in view. This lead the observers to their first principle: intelligent creatures like to have something interesting to do.

They then placed the rats in the second cage with food and drink but nothing else to do. The rats were content for a while but then started misbehaving. They chewed the walls, fought with each other, rubbed their fur off and generally misbehaved. This led them to principle two: Intelligent creatures will do anything to keep from being bored including things that are self destructive.

Finally they were placed in the room where they could receive the electric shocks. Every time the rats ate they were shocked. To conclude the rats were given a choice between the three cages. What one did they prefer the most?

• The food, drink and movies?
• The electric shocks?
• Only food and drink?

The rats ended up preferring the electric shocks. What do we conclude from this? (that we will do the things that get the most response)

To further back up this point Biddulph tells the following story about an exasperated family trying to deal with their boys constantly fighting. This family was very busy, the father an up and coming professional who put in long hours trying to get ahead. They enlisted the help of a group of psychologists to observe their children’s behaviour and hopefully come up with some solutions.

The boys had their own playroom that was full of soft drinks, had every toy that had been invented at that stage. However the parents discovered that in spite of everything they provided they couldnt stop their boys from constantly fighting. The boys didn’t matter if there were others present.

The evening of a cocktail party was chosen as the time to evaluate the boys behaviour. After the guest arrived and the parents left the children playing downstairs they played quietly for a short time. Soon they began making a lot of noise, but the psychologists noted that it looked more staged than real.

Quickly their father appeared on the scene and began berating the boys for their behaviour. The psychologists noted something that they had never seen in rats, the boys looked chastised except for a curious twist to their mouth. It was named the Mona Lisa smile.

They said that this smile is a secret message from kids that says, I should be feeling bad, and I should look sorry, but I am kind of enjoying this. Parents don’t really understand it but it The psychologists prepared their report which basically said the father needed to spend more time with his sons. The parents dismissed this report took the boys to a psychoanalyst who analysed their dreams for a couple of years with little result. They eventually gave up on this and the father took up golf with his boys and they were miraculously cured.

There are three reasons for most kids misbehaving

• Children play up because they’re bored
• Children play up because they feel unwanted
• Children play up because it gets them noticed

What are the most common circumstances where you need to apply discipline?

• When you are busy
• When they are locked up in the house (our kids love day care)
• When they are left alone

Most of us would possibly say it happens at the worst possible moment. That is why it is important that we ensure that firstly that the problem is not because of their circumstances or something that is not really their fault and secondly that we make the time to discipline. Discipline is not just the immediate response to something that irritates or annoys us. It is all about the nature of our ongoing relationship with our kids. Discipline is perhaps one of the highest expressions of love and one of the greatest gifts that we can give our children.

It is very tough work but allows for the possibility for our children to be able to stand on our shoulders and see just that much further than we are able to. It is through good discipline that our children are able to develop the character that will help them through life’s sometimes difficult journey and allow them to have the resilience to meet the uncertaintities that lie before them. It is the job of parents to provide this platform through the hard work that they put into building these qualities in the life of their children.

A flower for your day

I always think that a flower is a nice lift for the day. Even though I am a bloke I know that they have a certain mystical power in a relationship. They can do and say so many things.

Sophia my eldest daughter draws flowers all the time. They express a part of who she is and she loves giving them as gifts.

Hope this one brightens your day a bit. I know that when I look at it my heart feels a bit brighter

What are the messages that we send to our children?

I remember as a young person being picked up by a friend’s mother with a small group of friends to take us to his place. They drove an old ford falcon with a bench seat in the middle. His mother was a fiery woman whose temper was well known to all his friends. Most of us had felt her wrath at one stage or another. Scott (my friend) was also very aware of his mum’s short fuse and had learnt when to be careful. She was clearly irritated that she had to pick us up and Scott was aware that he had to be very wary not to say anything to set her off.

He started with a fairly innocuous comment, a bit hot today, isn’t it mum?

Well that was the spark that lit her fuse and she quickly exploded, Well if you didnt run around all day like b——y idiots then you wouldn’t be so hot would you! Next minute when trying to change gears when going around the corner, she found that Scott had inadvertently put his foot under the clutch pedal. The gears were well crunched while Scott was trying to get his foot from under the clutch pedal. Well that started the next barrage of abuse, Scott was called a b——y idiot, what are you doing. Move your stupid b———y foot.

We thought it was quite funny especially because it was Scott and not us receiving the abuse. But, we were also relieved when we got to Scott’s place just in case we were next in line to be abused. When we arrived Scott nicely said to his mum, Thanks for taking us home mum.

I think that she was taken aback that he hadn’t gotten upset at all and that he was still being polite. She said, well make sure you don’t come into the house.The words sound gruff but her tone had changed and we knew that we were welcome.

At the time I never questioned what Scott’s mum had done but when I think about it she was sending some very powerful messages to him. Her short fuse made her say things to her children that were extremely derogatory to them. Scott was not an idiot and in fact I heard that he went on to become an engineer.

Tony Campolo a popular youth speaker tells how Jewish mothers relate to their children and compares what they say to what the Italian mother’s say. Jewish mothers are always telling their kids how great that they are going to be someday. Whereas the Italian mothers in his neighbourhood would predict a gloomy future for their kids. He commented that is it any wonder that the Jewish kids tended to be such high achievers.

Steve Biddulph in Raising Happy Children, lists the following reasons why parents give less than helpful messages to children.

You repeat what was said to you

• Our foundation for parenting is our parents
• I’m sure we have all at some time heard ourselves saying something to our kids and thought, Geez that’s what my dad said to me.

Other parents try to do the opposite to what their parents did:

• You thought it was the right thing to do
• Attitudes to raising children have change from our parents time. Once a parents role was seen as correcting their children
• We now consider our childrens needs for self esteem and encouragement far more. Mainly because we are aware of the damage that we can do.

We are stressed out

• Financial pressure, tiredness, loneliness or boredom can all contribute to negative responses to our children.
• Children can be an easy vent for our tension.

If this is the most important job that I have in this life then I need to think very carefully about what I am communicating to the most important people in my life.

Big Boys do Cry – Year Two

We spent 9 years of our life in a small country town in North Queensland called Charters Towers. These are my memories of the people and events that were a part of our life during that time.

Don't you normally see the heart beating?" I asked the radiographer. She was obviously having problems although we were unsure just what was happening. April was having an ultrasound but there was something not right. I didn't realize then the heartbreaking implications my question was to have for us.

 

"Mmm," she replied distractedly. "I'm having some difficulties finding some of the landmarks. I need to get the senior radiographer to have a look," she told us.

By this time it was becoming obvious to April and myself something was terribly wrong. The senior radiographer's verdict verified the fear that was beginning to develop in us both. Our news was devastating. Something had gone very wrong. At 21 weeks we never dreamt that anything could happen to our child. Everything we had read said the danger period was during the first three months. After that the baby was supposed to be virtually indestructible, or so we thought.

"How are you today?" brightly asked the girl behind the checkout counter at the supermarket later that day. She had the usual pasted on smile they must teach at checkout school.

What were we to say? "Well, everything was pretty good, until we found out our baby died." I never expected what had been up to now a growing bulge in my April's middle could cause me so much pain. We were told it was best if the baby was delivered as soon as possible. April was checked into the labour ward early in the morning two days later. Every four hours she had a chemical inserted in her uterus to induce labour. Like so many births it began happening in the dead of the night. April's pain increased late in the evening as her contractions heightened in intensity. Through it all there was a feeling of numbness. I felt disconnected from these horrible events. For us there was the certainty that at the end there wasn't going to be a bundle of joy. I think in some merciful way our minds had gone into shock where they could take no more bad news. Shalom was born on the twenty seventh of March 1998, four days after my birthday. He was so tiny his body fitted into the palm of my hand and his head rested on my fingers. He was so perfect except he never would have the chance to draw a breath in this world.

He was my son but I never really had the opportunity to be his dad. I never will have the chance to cheer him on at the football, or to take him to the movies, or to wrestle with him on the lounge room floor. I will never have to confront that awful moment dreaded by fathers when it is time to tell him about the facts of life. Despite never doing anything with him I miss him a great deal.

This is not the sort of pain that I want to have in my life. The deep grief that seems to have touched the core of my being, my constantly aching heart, and the deep wounds that have lacerated my soul. I would much prefer my wounds to be physical. I want my pain to be tangible. I know how to deal with things when they show on the outside. I know I can cope with this type of pain. Physical scars for blokes are our badges of pride. We hold them up as notches of our manhood. They are something to show off, to prove to others that the toughness of life will not beat us. Yet the real pain we feel is so often hidden under protective layers of putting on a brave face. We force ourselves to keep up appearances and get on with life without taking the time to understand why it can hurt us so much. I know in my head that God wants to work all things together for good for those who love him. Yet I wish so much that God's working was different to this. It seems like God wanted to play a cruel joke on April and I after we waited so long for a child and now He snatched him back. How do you farewell someone you've never met? There were no photos, no memories of fun times together. There were no cute expressions for me to remember. All I have is a card with a tiny footprint and handprint on it. We only held him for a short while then it was time to for him to be taken from us. Saying goodbye to Shalom is the hardest thing I've had to do in life. There are no pat answers to this type of pain. I know I have cried many times in private because of my enormous sadness. I don't understand why God has chosen this particular path for me and I have questioned his wisdom in this situation. There is something in me that wants to say to God that my son doesn't belong in heaven, I want him here with me. I think that no matter who we are we can say this to God. God this part of my life doesn't belong to you its mine. I know that life's relentless pace will gradually reduce the intensity of my sorrow. However, life will never be quite the same because of what has happened. Up to this point my life had been untouched by the reality of death. Now I have joined to God in a new way, as I understand something of what the loss of a son means to a Father. I guess what happened was that I joined the rest of the world in its journey of life in saying, God, I hurt.But, because I know God I can thank Him for sharing that pain with me.The real issue is where do we belong? Do we say to God that we belong to him yet try and hold some of the more painful or more pleasurable areas for ourselves? Ultimately no matter what life dishes up we have to accept that the only way to live life is God's way.

 

Why everyone is making the switch to Sunrise?

He’s bald, wears glasses, has a big nose and a slight paunch. Watch Sunrise channel 7′s morning program and it is obvious that Kochie is the heart of the rise and rise of the show. He shows that in Australia at least we are looking for men who are not afraid to be men.

• Kochie is at times passionate, but we love his rants. We want to see men who are not afraid to stand for something. He sometimes puts his foot in his mouth. That only causes us to empathise because we are all guilty of that sometimes. And, who wants a man who is a doormat to frightened to say anything because they are frightened of offending some minority group.
• We love his connection to his family. The fact that he wasn’t frightened to share his kids with us. He has strived not to become some distant uninvolved celebrity.
• We love his obvious care for the other people in the show. The fact that when he goes a bit far with a joke or off colour comment that Mel is able to touch in on the arm to give him the signal to stop.
• We love his honesty. We may not agree but at least we know what we aren’t agreeing with something. I loved a comment the other morning when some Christian group was complaining about the violence in a kids cartoon and he observed that don’t we read the Bible. So true. But what is nice is that he can also recognised his own warts.

On the other hand take a look at their competition.

• Karl Stephenovi Stephanovic is too complicated to spell for a start. Australians prefer a Kochie or a Smithy or even a Gribbley. How would you add y or ie to Karl’s alphabet surname.
• He’s young and good looking. But very bland. I have never seen him get angry or say the wrong thing on air. He’s seems to be always nice and nearly won dancing on ice. Sadly no one watched that either.
• Richie (Dickie) Wilkins is too up himself for me. He won’t eat on air. Maybe its because he might dribble down his front. He can’t laugh at his old mullets and takes himself far too seriously. To look as good as he does at his age he must.

In Australia which is the land of the absent father Kochie symbolises to us our desire to see a good Dad. He doesn’t lord it over the others on the Sunrise team but it is obvious that they have a real respect for him as a man. That is refreshing for a start because when you begin work so early together I am sure that there is huge potential for conflict.

Without becoming a whimp he also shows a compassion for others. I watched as Joe Hockey was being steamrolled this morning into signing their solar power petition that Kochie recognised the significance of Joe signing. We see a genuine desire to help demonstrated often when a genuinely disadvantaged person is brought to his attention.

Thanks Kochie for Sunrise. I know that if you ever read this you would be highly embarassed and try to deflect the glory to your team mates. Another reason why I wanted to say something.

Leadership – it begins in the home

I think the ultimate test of the efffectiveness of a leader is what happens in their home. What are their kids like – healthy, dysfunctional, drug addict, corporate leader, artist, confident. Too many leaders have left in their wake so much pain and hurt among those closest to them that it has diminished their star. This is especially true if we take the definition of leadership as the ability to influence others. If we cant influence those closest to us positively then whatever else we do will count for little. For example the late Kerry Packer's relationship with his family. From an outsider's perspective there is no mistaking the genuine love that his children had for him. From all accounts Kerry could be a very difficult man but in my mind he passed the ultimate test of leading first at home. I want to be a great man. When I was younger I thought of greatness in terms of the empire that I would create and the size of the my bank balance but time has mellowed some of that ambition. Now my primary quest for greatness is in the eyes of the five people that I live with. They see me for what I really am, they know my faults and weaknesses and sensitivities yet they are so forgiving Here are some choices that I must make if I am to be an effective leader in my home: Choose words that build up – Words are such powerful tools. We need to choose our words very wisely if we want to be an effective leader at home. It is very easy to let slip words that tear down when I feel stressed or tired or even selfish when everyone wants to invade my space. I need to choose words that say good things to those around me – I love you, sorry, can I help, you look lovely, you are very special, thank you, that's great, how wonderful. Choose to spend my time doing the important things – Even if I say that the kids are important if I don't spend my time with my family and kids then my words count for very little. Its what we do that counts in their eyes. And, they are the ones who get to really see what I am doing with my time. The important things in my life at the moment are being home so I can help bath the kids, read with my eldest daughter, pray before they go to sleep, wrestle with my son and sitting with everyone at the dinner table. Choose to love unconditionally – This means giving when I am not receiving. Washing up when everyone else is too tired at the end of a hard day. Not making my needs the first priority in the family. Choose to make the hard decisions - But do it in a way that makes the family feel better. We can't always do everything that we would like to do or we sometimes have to choose between two very good options. Sometimes I can't be everyone's friend. In these situations its important not to be a friend but a father. Choose to listen instead of talking – It can be very easy to think that it is only my perspective that matters. Communication is always more about what I don't say or what I do when I stop talking.

ABC’s of Fatherhood – N

No – sometimes you have to be able to say no. There are many instances where for my kids health or safety I say no.

No – to junk food all the time because it clogs them up. They stop going to the toilet.
No – to walking across the road by themselves because they are too young to appreciate the dangers.

To think that a child should only have positive affirmations does not give the boundaries that they require for healthy development. If they can’t handle no they will fail to build the resilience that they will need to survive life’s difficulties.

Struggle is a part of life. To not struggle would mean that a child will never be able to overcome and ultimately become stronger. Of course no parent wants to see their child suffer and no sane parent would cause unneccesary suffering for their child but we all know that suffering is a part of life that we all must deal with.

Saying no in a loving environment provides a framework for a child to begin to learn life’s boundaries and enable them to build loving relationships.

ABC’s of being a Father – M

Music – We sing grace together every night. And we enjoy listening to songs on the radio and will sing together. We are not always in tune or in time but we have fun. I am not even especially talented with any form of music but it is a fun part of our family life. We dance and we sing in our unco-ordinated way.

Memories – We are creating memories with our kids. We do lots of things together. We don’t have a lot of money but we have been able to make time to spend with the kids. WE take holidays together, we spend weekends together and we enjoy each other’s company. Our memories are of being together, laughing at the funny things we do, playing silly games and having conversations at the meal table.

What do little boys take to bed?

I put Toby to bed tonite. Before he hopped between the sheets he had to set it up right.

He took with him the following:-

• an incredible (not sure which one)
• the little creature that accompanies buzz lightyear
• Buzz Lightyear (to infinity and beyond)
• various toy soldiers
• a dead cricket (his favourite pet at the moment and it is in a container)

You have to love the sense of organisation of a child.

ABC’s of being a Father – L

Love – And lots of it. What a big word that is so maligned by so many people. Yet this is so neccessary for our kids to see demonstrated.

Firstly they need to see me love their mother. I am very committed to my kids seeing this happen. It was demonstrated by my Father to my mother and I think he set a great foundation for me to continue that on.

Secondly the kids need to see me love them. For example while trying to write I have been interrupted a hundred times (well at least 5) and that is ok. Because love means showing that they are more important than me writing about being a loving Father.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always "me first,"
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end. (from Paul)

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