Boundaries – what not to do with your children

Cloud and Townsend (Boundaries) identify four typical ways that people will blur boundaries:

1. Compliancy
   1. They are afraid of hurting someone by saying no.
   2. Their boundaries are so indistinct anyone is able to cross them and this opens the person up to abuse.
   3. They don’t like to rock the boat and will often give into a child’s demands rather than follow through with consequences
2. Controlling
   1. This person doesn’t respect others boundaries and will often look for opportunities to intrude in other people’s lives.
      
   2. Controllers will rarely believe that they have done the wrong thing because they are so consumed with their own needs.
   3. As a parent they will have little understanding of their child’s needs or temperament instead they will enforce their standards or expectations on the child.
   4. Controllers are not really in control, rather they are controlled by their own insecurities and impulses. (For example they will become extremely angry when something doesn’t go their way)
3. Non- responsives
   1. They are not able to hear the needs of others or see things from another’s perspective.
   2. They often will appear distant from their children. This wall is put up to protect them from further hurt
4. Avoidants
   1. These people find it hard to accept good things from others Cloud and Townsend say that this is common in men who demonstrate it by finding it hard to accept help or advice.