Surrender,
Comes, with time,
Capitulation to love,
Requires, everything.

Recesses,
Gathering safe secrets,
Everything, hidden,
Except, my deepest knowing,
Who is ungathering,
Everything.

Safety,
Isn’t held, or found,
By anything in this world
Everything,
Will pass from this life,
Waiting for love,
To hold,
Everything.

Letting go,
Of everything,
Waiting for love,
Just now,
Takes everything,
To believe,
Trust,
For everything.

I wrote this as I thought about what’s happening inside me at this time. The word exile came through as I reflected and felt unsure of even God’s voice as I wait.

Between the promised land
And, the place that once was home,
Is exile,
The desert lying between,
Silence and silence,
Waiting, for a word
Or, a light to guide,
The same ground trod
As each day travels past
Staying here,
Exiled.

In the wilderness
Day and night are one,
It doesn’t matter
If it’s the sun or the moon,
Shining,
In this place,
Where the silence shouts
But, no one hears,
Too busy,
Lost in the past,
Or, seeking a new promise.
Alone, speaks loudly here,
Exiled.

Exile, not belonging here,
Sore feet
From the hot earth,
Bruised and lost,
Believing,
Even the fire in the cloud
has lost its way,
The Voice chooses silence,
In the midst of noisy complaint,
Silence, quietens fear,
Fear, that feeds on doubt,
Learning,
Uncertainty, needs to wait,
And listen,
The hard lessons,
In exiled.

From uncertainty comes vague unease
The not knowing,
When all I want, is to know
Turmoil that rises up,
Its biting acid,
Creating an acrid taste,
Rising out of my uncertainty
As my world turns
Without the slightest touch
of my hand.

I don’t love uncertainty,
I want adventure,
And, all its thrills
But, not this feeling of not knowing
Uncertainty and distance
At the same time
Being squeezed
Everything coming closer
Then the distance, lonely spaces
Adventure feels different from within.

From uncertainty comes insight
The knowing after
Aha! Here it is
I wish I knew before
That light beckoning me
Was the one I was always to follow
The world is always turning
Leaving me to wonder
Why from the uncertain lonely spaces
Are the places where I am found.

In case I forget
Where is home,
What is mine,
I am reminded,
After absence
By my daughters joyous hug,
And, how
Joy flutters, in me
Briefly, her loveliness
Stays, visiting intensely,
Then she will pass by,
Leaving,released
Into her joy
Hoping its expansive arms
Wrap around me, too,

I sometimes forget
What belongs to me
Where is home,
Forgetting to rest,
Absent,
I forget the joy, waiting,
The flutter
Arriving to my inner parts
The need to stay right here
Now,
My daughter’s hug
Reminds me
Just in case I forget.

Each year since Dad has died I have written a poem to remember him. I am writing this poem as these thoughts came as I spent time at his graveside a little while ago.

I have great memories of my Dad who lived out his life simply and faithfully.

TOO SOON

Soon, came too quick,
For me –
The day arrives, too soon,
When reality, sadness, joy, laughter,
And, tears,
Are all invited
To share around a hospital bed
Too soon.

The years of life given and shared,
I didn’t think about soon,
Or, goodbye,
I thought it was always later,
Till I said goodbye here,
And, I wondered about God,
Did he see?
My deepest sadness, asking,
Why?
I wanted a different answer
To what he gave me, then,
Because, faith came too soon.

Years counted of a life lived
don’t matter,
It’s too soon
To think about goodbye,
But, now I do,
Often,
All the sadness, joy, laughter,
And, tears,
Childhood memories
of a faithful life,
Inviting me to love, today,
Wholeheartedly.

A number of years ago I was in Holland for a conference. It was there I experienced twilight and the soft fading from sunlight to darkness that takes hours to complete.

I wrote this as I consider how to face realities of how life has its cycles, ups and downs and sometimes fading and waiting.

It seems to happen too often, too regularly.

The sun runs away
Every day,
Fading to moonlight’s softer
darkness, waiting,
Till eyes adjust to paler light,
I run too,
Running every day
Pretending darkness isn’t coming,
I run,
From the certain arrival,
Of disappointment,
I run,
Looking for light,
I run
After the sun,
Even when it runs away.

A few days ago Tobi (My son) and I climbed Mt Coolum. He remembered trying to make it to the top when he was much younger but fear overwhelmed him and he didn’t make it.

This time we did make it, easily. The old fears pushed aside to make room for the awesome view that was waiting for us.

CLOSER TO NOW

The edge comes close
Closer to now…
I think of the unnamed fears
Wanting to stay, blinkering
The wide eyed view – waiting
Seen with breathless exhaustion
Brings me close, closer to now.

I think of the unnamed fears
Rushing around my head
Capturing thoughts over and over
In the prison of; What if!
Thinking the worst is yet to come
This downward path of regret
Going deeper into fear’s darkness.

Wanting to stay, blinkering
what could be seen, if
I trust the path upwards
Fear left behind, or a reminder
Where courage was needed
Each step closer, now is waiting.

The wide eyed view – waiting
Isn’t seen if a closed heart
And, vain conceit, stays rooted
Choosing deceitful glimpses up
Through fear tinged eyes,
Not moving – not seeing
What could be, left waiting.

Seen with breathless exhaustion
The view, stretching the endless horizon
Beckons, closer, willing me to see
What lies beyond close, reaching
To something new, awakening,
Slaying old dragons, locked away
Till now, came close, ready to be slain.

The edge comes close, too close
Now, I see what fear tried to hide
The breathless climb, takes me
To where I didn’t want to go, now
Now I am closer, to where I want to be.

Here again,
What!
Why?
I thought this was done –
Finished
Completed and tucked away
In cliched answers –
History never repeats,
Lightning can’t strike twice,
Yet, here I am, again,
Waiting,
Impatient questions rise up
What! Frustration
Why? Waiting
Here again.

I wonder if great friendships understand
The wonder of shared love
Light shining in darkness
My restless search to quench loneliness
The dark recesses of my uncertainty
Belonging confused by my aching soul,
My home found in
the mystery of shared love,
Holding it out to be tasted by others
Salty with tears
A love that will lay down and die
for the other person
Who know there’s nothing for me – but love
A friendship that realises
There is no where else to go – even when its tough,
Really tough going,
When the question is asked, “Will you leave me?”
And, the response is, to stay,
Our world’s relentless search for greatness
Is right beside me – my neighbour, my wife, my child,
Is with me now – waiting to be a friend,
It’s the rustle in the heavens,
Fidgeting till he bursts through to declare love,
This is my love, my beloved
Love shared, loyal to the death,
Here, right now – waiting for greatness.

The litter of fallen giants
Nature’s mighty stalwarts
Fallen, broken,
Now,
Shaping the flow
Of the mountain stream
Unseen, except
My craving for peace
My desire
to know the unknowable
Wanting tomorrow’s certainty
Brings me to a place
Where solitude is shaped
By what is broken
I come
Waiting for life
And death to arrive
Waiting among
Millenia of life
Slowly rotting to nothing
Slowly absorbed
Into the earth
Where it began.

I consider
All that has flowed past
This place
Where I am
Unseen, Unknown
A stream and I
Sharing a moment, reflecting
On my life
Shaped by brokenness
The unknown tomorrow
My grasp at eternity
Being shaped
By what is broken
What has died
In me
Knowing
Life quickly passes by
But here now
My life joins to this place
Flowing past me
Dying and then shaping,
Flowing, always flowing.

Alone
Because, only I can live this life
A breath inhaled deeply
Borrowed
From the fresh mountain air
Always to be returned
Life
Drawing closer to my essence
Only I can take this breath
Here
Called to face this day
To see its blessings and horrors
Together
But, then always alone
Only I can live my life
Fully
Present to what is loved most
Only I can love this way
Now
Love lies ahead of me
Only I can choose to step forward
Alone.

This is was a reflection on the how I have felt at times during the past couple of weeks.

But, the beautiful photo taken by April Gribble from our lounge window makes me realise that there’s another side to fog that needs to be seen as well.

When the fog rolls in,
The dull ache in my stomach,
Gnawing at my soul,
That voice speaking,
When I visit a thousand
Small meannesses
This morning,
Saying to myself, Look!
You did it again,
Trusted in the untrustworthy,
Stupid futility,
In a life not fully lived.

Pain visits, my innermost parts
Over and over, loudly,
Saying, failed.

I wish to rise above this
To look out on the beauty,
Of morning’s light,
My ache,
Welcoming the fog rolling in,
Knowing that light is there
Seeking me,
Hope, slowly arrives,
Not in a rush,
But in the faithful acts,
True to my ache
The kindness
Needed for today.

How do you take that first step
Towards nothing
With only faith
To guide
And, give the strength
To wake
From my sleep
Eyes opened
No more dreaming
About a different reality
Choosing to walk this path
With its unknowns
There is no practice life
No rewind button
Just this one
To live
Today.

Even love when
Held too close
Can tear
Painfully
Starting
At the seams.
The frayed edges
Showing the beginning
Starting to end
That painful leaving
Of what was hoped for
Changing
What remains.

The lesser gods
That beckon me
To lower my hope
Call out
Their plaintive cries
Selfish demands
Clutching
At disappointment
Surrounding me
With fog
Dimming everything
The horizon
Coming too close.

Desire holds onto
Anxious
Gathering of straw
Filled dreams
My heart
Seeks to let go
Of emptiness
And hold tightly
To hope.

I wish
No!
I choose
To let go
Of everything
That refuses
To be here now.

The night I said goodbye
To my first born son
Showed me
There aren’t enough tears
To ever properly say
Goodbye.
You hold and sob
And, wonder at this pain
That wakes
In the early morning
Day after day
Grief
That will never be explained.

When sadness first visited
I thought
I will never feel this again,
Pain ripping deeply,
Lightning can’t strike twice?
But, it keeps coming
Knocking at my heart
Life’s call on me, questioning,
Will I choose to love?
Facing its beauty and terror
Compassion’s call to care
Touching my inner parts
I become vulnerable to trust,
Only to break again and again
Saying goodbye with tears.

Time doesn’t change
How much each goodbye
has cost,
What is deeply held,
Doesn’t leave easily
It reaches back at me
Asking me to stay.
My heart cries, and,
I want to be back there
But, I am forced to move on
Life keeps swirling around
With its daily demands.

I cry out of shared pain
Collected in hearts
A gathering of love,
Intimate in a broken moment
Belonging to only us,
Wondering about how to trust,
Wanting believe again
Fearing its cost.

Last week a number of the Deeper Rhythms team were made redundant. This included myself. We started this whole adventure with a dream of what could be, a lot of hope and an invitation for others to join.

This poem shares something of my experience of our dream, my deep love for what we desired to create and the hope that remains with what our hearts desired to share in this group.

Every humble word written
Sharing
In a poem, an emotion,
Or even a plan,
Reports about activity
Working
For a dream
All parts of
Our hearts joined
Opened for others to see
Believed in
Cherishing
Inviting others to share
Together.

The day the lights dimmed
Invites us to the tomb
Together
Waiting with Lazarus
In the darkness
Wrapped
Still for three days,
Or more
Till life speaks again
Inviting me come
And, leave the tomb
To walk into the light
And, all that is still waiting.

In the midst of disappointment beauty is always there to be discovered. I wrote this as I considered what is wonderful in my life. Beauty is waiting.

Beauty is that thing
That comes
In time
Not rushed
It comes
Slowly
The lines
Becoming wrinkles
Marking the passage, of
time’s well worn path.

Everything
Can become beautiful
If it’s left long enough
Being with
Holding
Admired close up
Seeing
Time’s loving caress,
And, knowing
Waiting patiently
Discovering beauty.

Choices uncover beauty
Dreaming
Of what could be,
Cloud filled desires,
Billowing
In my mind,
Blown here and there
Till, settling
Comes
In a beautiful moment
Arriving, just now.

I could speak of the thousands of words typed,
Adding a few more in my poem, or letter,
Of days that centre on a screen, or
in the broken and joyful conversations,
I am a part of each day, loving deeply,
But, my heart is always drawn to walking,
through the bush, passing by a thousand
untold and unheard stories, Unknown
except I took the time to walk, and stop,
and listen to my heart, deep longings
waiting with me, in the wide spaces, the climb,
huge fallen trees, needing to be climbed over,
broken by rot and natures power,
the close green growth, sometimes its claws
scratching me, when taking an adventurous detour,
the times when I see a path that’s not there,
when it dies out and I keep pushing forward, hoping
that it will begin again, but it doesn’t,
Urgency is pushed back and nothing will change,
Nothing typed, nothing spoken, nothing done,
Except my heart is renewed, mystery is explored,
A few hours taken from life, giving abundant life.