Little sadnesses are gathered in my suitcase,
Joining me as I set out each day,
Are they what I pack to take with me?
Or, are they waiting for me? Ready to hitch a ride.
Maybe, they’re nothing to do with me?
But, always there, like air,
Till I have to stop and be still,,
And, I find them here – I feel their breath;
A feeling in my gut; then heart; then mind,
Coupled with the overwhelming panic of thinking:
What if they will take me under for the third time?
Sometimes shouting at me in a loud voice,
Sometimes deafening with awful silence.
When I try to work out, Why they are there?
Can’t I pack a little lighter?
Are they my fault?
Was it something I did? Or, should have done?
Was it because I didn’t listen enough to the light?
Or, are they an invitation to pray a psalm?
Now, right in the middle of not knowing,
Sadnesses brings God to me in the shape of humanity,
He always knew ……….
Love is not an event from the distant past,
It’s the compassion that I feel now,
As the sadness exposes the raw edges of love,
Grating with how I can never love enough.
In the silence and the sadness,
The loneliness of being the only me,
Sometimes feeling the heavy burden
of what I have gathered over the years,
Things carried and not knowing,
Losing some things with a tinge of regret,
Finding new ways to cry and feel pain,
To see sadness lashing out at what is loved,
For the laughter to come again,
Sadness is not my fault, but the reality
of choosing to live out of love,
Raw edges, unwanted, unknown stuff carried,
Painful bruises left as reminders, and signs
of where the sadness visited,
And, the path that healing has to take.