This poem was written in a quiet moment when I stopped working for a couple of hours. I was in the middle of my favourite walk when I sat for an hour in the middle of a large natural reserve where I love to walk. I was recognising as I step back into light my recent dip in mood. I am not sure if you call this “depression” but I think its words were trying to make themselves heard.
Even though I feel lighter now, nothing has changed. I still question God about his plans for my life. These questions are not answered by the usual bible verses about his plans always being good for me, or knowing what I am going through is all part of a grander plan. Honestly, verses like this aren’t much use to me and how I feel now.
My life is full of good things, I have a good marriage, I have plenty of work. I have a home to live in but, having these things leads me to other questions about my worth, my understanding of joy and my desire for purpose. This is not about being ungrateful for what I have. I live with a deep sense of gratitude for what I do have. I don’t want to just settle with what I have even in its goodness. I want to feel this deeper ache to its fullest.
This want to feel deeply not a desire for self flagellation or to deny myself of good things. It’s about keeping these good things in their place and recognising that there is still more that God has for me.
I find it’s good questions that lead me forward. Fullness isn’t found in the easily spoken answers that keeps everything in nice tidy boxes. No, I find it’s those questions that lead me to as sense of wonder, where my imagination is able to take hold in the midst of the question and lead me into further possibilities. A good question allows me to understand all the fullness of who I am and reveals those parts that are less than full.
When I wonder
Sometimes
I wonder
Why God isn’t clear
About his intentions
When surrounded
By beauty
I am
Lost in random purpose
Even the small voice
Is quiet
My imagination
Stifled
In this silence
I question
Everything,
I once believed
Reality is different
In the presence of my questions
I doubt God understands
When silence
Is his response.
I carry a weight
Of longing
Uncomfortably
On this path
Not knowing
What lies beyond
My present unknowing
Living with unformed questions
Inviting me forward.
